


Date Night ;)

by LifeOnMarz27



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Hijinks & Shenanigans, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Mentioned Riddler/Joker, OOC Bruce Wayne|Batman, Slow Dancing, Tradition is just peer pressure from the dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-07-31 13:33:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20115916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LifeOnMarz27/pseuds/LifeOnMarz27
Summary: Through all of his caped crusading years, Bruce has never been asked to go on a date (in exchange for hostages in the Joker's clutches, that is)Or: I saw a blurry picture of Batman and Joker maybe dancing the waltz and my brain wouldn't let me sleep until I wrote it.





	1. A Bad Beginning

**Author's Note:**

  * For [OurHappyPlace123](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OurHappyPlace123/gifts).

Another day, another bust. As Bruce tied up the two perps he'd caught trying to rob a jewellers to a lamppost, he couldn’t ignore the unmistakable bubble of satisfaction that only came from a wholesome job well done that slowly rose in his chest. He pondered, considering how ironic the feeling was, seeing as his job never seemed to be done. Crime would always exist, especially in Gotham, it was sewn into it's skin like a fine fabric. No matter how hard he tried to remove it. It was a covalent lattice, his father used to say, repeatedly. 

The city was as decrepit and, frankly smelly as it always had been. There were some improvements to the overall quality of life, undoubtedly helping good, law-abiding citizens the most. But the general motif of Gotham had remained the same through it all. You were never too far from a shriek or a cat yowling at sirens passing by because someone will have no doubt been mugged or found a body that the mob dumped and called the GCPD. Not that doing so ever really helped.

That was the problem, Bruce thought, the city relied too much on Batman, leaving the police weak and its staff either corrupt or useless.

Back in the Batmobile, Bruce was about to call it a night there and then, when... 

**Bruce's POV **

“Alfred I’m heading back to the bat-cave now.

“...” Alfred always responds, curious 

“Alfred?” “...” This isn’t looking good

“Alfred respond”

“_Or what Batsy? You'll Billionaire me to death?_”

Oh for Fu- “Joker, leave Alfred alone and we can talk.”

“_Ugh, you’re not playing the game right. I shouldn’t have expected much, but I do wish you would give the whole stoic knight charade a bit of a shake up, you know? Keeps things interesting, you know the saying: in a marriage, changing things up every once in a while is good for you. Thoughts?_”

This man is the reason I need to have rules about killing people, I would never dream of cold-blooded murder, but this man is solely responsible for why I have a Rule about it. Reminding myself is a very big part of the rule. Not only is he barely human, slaughter at the slightest whim, and then would go eat macaroons of he dained to. But he is a murdering son of a Bitch who never shuts UP!! The jokes are why I have the Rule. They infuriate me to no end, and if the Joker ever knew, I’d probably kill myself before I could kill him, or vice versa. The Comms have been silent for a while now and I think he wants me talk, say something stupid? 

“I wasn’t thinking about killing you” 

“_Awwwww thank you" Nailed it. “Wait a tick, WHY NOT?!? I'm the most EVIL man you’ve ever encountered! I should be your sole reason to commit homicide!!_” 

Bugger. Oh shit, Alfred! “What do you want, Joker? I don’t have all night.” I say in my usual, tired and all around commanding tone. “_Well isn’t it obvious Bat-Babe? We’re all dressed up and I’m in the mood for a good time." _

If there is a God, please tell me he's not saying what I think he's saying..

_"_ _Its date night Batman!”_

FUUUUUUUCKKKK


	2. A Maddening Middle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The date

Bruce's POV 

"Excuse me?"  
That's all I could actually bring myself to say. If I'd have continued I might've said something stupid like 'what in the actual fuck you Alzheimer's inducing spoon?!' Or I might've said something really stupid, like 'well sugar plum if it's a date you want then I'll be very dissatisfied if you show up wearing anything more than your bowtie and handcuffs, meet you there in a mo sugar tits'

Close save.

"You heard me Bat-Babe, date night! A bit of dancing and fine dining never did us any harm, well, Alfred may beg to differ, but being the Prince of Gotham, a date isn't too far from your vocabulary is it? Really? The Prince of Gotham? And you call me an egomaniac! AHAHAHAHA-"

Oh sweet merciful Beelzebub the laughing. I had to turn the radio off my GOD I don't want to be alive right now. Bat-Babe is a new iteration I have many problems with, too close to bat bitch for my liking. 

I need to keep Alfred safe, but playing the Joker's games for too long usually ends up endangering the whole city. I need a good way out and contingency plans that should take about and hour to set up. 

RINGRINGRINGRINGRING

It's like herding drunk sheep.

"Batsy, that was rude! I expected better manners from Gotham's elite! I want you at the Iceberg Lounge in... 7 and a half minutes. Wear something sexy!"

Well shit.

\-------------TIME SKIP FOR SEXY PENGUIN-------------

No POV

Batman lurked outside the normally crowded speakeasy, Penguin was only close friends with the Riddler (he found that out the hard way. He can't look at that Question mark staff the same after he saw where the penguin had put it), so either Penguin wasn't reserving the club of his own free will, or he didn't know what was going down.

Bruce waltzed through the doors and scanned the large club for traps or hijinks of any kind. None so far. Then his eyes caught on the man of the hour, Mr. Pain-in-the-Ass himself, sitting at a table sipping whiskey in his most dapper suit yet. Bruce pretended he didn't just imagine ripping it off of him, but that would be an internal argument for later. Right now, he had a date.

Joker gazed lazily around the room, his eyes ending up on the humongous Iceberg in the middle of the room that would make the Titanic blush. Finally, he turned and noticed a particular hunky shadow lurking rather expertly near the entrance. 'Good,' thought Joker, 'now the fun can really begin' 

Bruce's POV 

I think he's noticed me, okay Bruce, play it cool, swagger up there and assert your dominance, 'Mmmmmmm, dominance over the Joker' , Oh sweet Jesus not now brain, I need to focus. Alfred is in danger, this is going to be a long night.

As I moved to sit down, I noticed there weren't the usual goons or poor wiring to signal a device or TV system. Why? Privacy? No, the Joker has never been one to feel embarrassed or nervous, he wouldn't need privacy for this. For my sake, then? Also no, if anything, he'd want me a little squeamish. Why then? Unless-

"You look trapped in thought there Bats, I could smell the copper. Sit, dinner will be here soon."

I sit, time goes by as we wait for our food and, we talk. No threats, or quips. General conversation you'd expect with an old friend. I've never talked to him, to anyone like this. I'm not sure whether to be unsettled or ecstatic. I can't decide quick enough however, as two ladies in huge penguin costumes... waddle over, and set down our dinner. Steak and salad. I can be confident enough that it isn't poisoned. It's not his style, plus he invented me here, he wants something.

"I assume this isn't poisoned, but I have to ask whether it is actually a cow steak and not just one of your goons that pissed you off." The words leave my lips before I can comprehend the familiar and playful tone their uttered in. Joker erupts into laughter, again, I love this man but the laugh is a real dealbreaker.

Pretend you didn't hear that last bit. 

"Bat-Babe, I swear on your dead, beloved parents that this is an actual cow steak, as you put it. But I have to warn you, there are tomatoes in the salad, so be careful!" 

I twitch, he notices but says nothing. We begin eating and continue with our conversations. He knows who I am, and I know who he was. I can't see the man I read about in his eyes, but I know he's in there, trapped under layers of madness and loneliness. Loneliness. That's his reason for all this. He's- We're lonely. He sees it in me, I see it in him. 

My thoughts are interrupted by music, a waltz, I beli- is that swan lake?!?!

I look up and Joker is standing beside me with his hand outstretched. You have GOT to be kidding me. It's a damn good thing Alfred is like a father to me.

We stand and move to the space cleared out. Joker tries to put his hand on my waist but I glare him daggers and he rethinks and puts it on my shoulder. I do the same. We... dance.

As we twirl quite smoothly, I catch a glimpse of something in Joker's eyes. not malicious or snide, not cruel or cowardly. Something, genuine. Happiness? Contentment? Love? 

I push those thoughts out of my mind when I feel a gloved hand on my waist. Unfortunately, any suave or dominance I once had are given away by the surprised look on my face. He smiles like a puppy on Christmas, obviously eliciting the response he wanted. The hand slithers to the small of my back. Determined not to make a move, I stare him down. But enough is enough when he tries to grab my ass. I push him away and threaten to punch him.

"Get a little too hot to handle there Bat-Babe?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ye saga continues


	3. An Intriguing Intermission

Bruce's POV 

"Get a little too hot to handle there Bat-Babe?"

"Don't call me that, Joker. I've played your delusional games, where is Alfred?" I stand tall and secretly get a batarang ready.

"And I thought we were getting somewhere, wasn't it nice to just, talk? Relax even? Don't lie to me by telling me you didn't enjoy tonight. We've been through too much together for lies now."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Joker sounded like a jilted lover, not like the cold-blooded genocidal maniac I knew. This was genuine. I think that unsettled me the most. Did I enjoy tonight? I honestly think I did. But it was only caused by a hostage situation. ALFRED.

"To be honest, I did have a good night. But it's over. Give me Alfred's location and I'll let you go without giving you in to the GCPD or Arkham. NOW, Joker."

Joker looked at me defeated. "Bruce I-" he whispered before I cut him off, waving my hand. "No more games. TELL ME" I yelled, he visibly shook. He can't seriously be CRYING, can he? I turn my back on him "please tell me where he is. You know what he means to me." I all but sigh.

"Top floor of Grundy 805, 7th Avenue"

"What?" I spin on my heel to face him but he's gone. I sprint to my car and speed to the address, Lo and Behold Alfred is inside, tied to a chair. I untie him and we drive home.

"Master Bruce," Alfred interrupts my thoughts, "Are you alright?" 

"I should ask you the same, did anything happen while I was... indisposed?"

"I should think not, I woke up alone, tied to a chair with a note on my lap that said 'Gone Fishing' written in crayon, next to a picture of you as a fish and him as a fisherman. I don't believe I will ever be able to unsee it." 

I stifle a laugh before the realisation hits me. There was no threat to Alfred. That was all for Nothing. But, maybe it wasn't? Maybe the only way to show, was to simulate peril. To get me to drop my guard. Hell, for a while I forgot there was any peril - real or imaginary.

Damn you, Joker. Made me fall for you.

Forget that last bit, sleep deprived horny bastard.

Horny? GODDAMMIT.

-+×+-+×+-+×+-+×+-+×+-+×+-+×+-+×+-+×+-+×+-+×+-

Weeks pass and no-one hears from the Clown Prince of Crime. I'm getting worried. Not that the lowest crime rate ever recorded in Gotham isn't worrying enough.

I hate to admit it, but I think I'm in love. It sounds like a shitty Rom Com, or a fanfic written by a horny teenager. But it's true. He... completes me? Sees me? Knows me? I mean, it's not physical, he looks like a clown for God's sake. He just, he's, perfect.

"Bat-Babe! Fancy seeing you in a place like this?"

Holy shit the joker is in my house. In my study. And I'm watching Love Island.

I'm Boned.

;)))))

FUCK OFF BRAIN.

"Joker piss off I'm watching Chris and Harley bake on a date." I'm not sure where that came from, but I do actually enjoy this gobshite.

"Sorry brucey, didn't know you you like far from reality TV. Is this a bad time?" Joker said with a pout. I got up from my desk, swiftly turned the TV off, right at the good bit, too and stood inches away from him, almost a head and a half taller than him. He looks slightly scared, but no matter. 

"What. Do. You. Want." I snarl. Not as menacing without my Bat suit, still does the trick though. I pray my heart isn't as loud to him as it is to me, pounding in my ear. 

"Brucey, Brucey, Brucey, I thought that was obvious. You"

Okay, that one's new.


	4. An Explosive Ending

No POV

The Joker swaggered over to Bruce, now standing two inches apart, and over one and a half heads shorter than his beloved Bat. There he stood and let his soul be swallowed up by Bruce's sad puppy eyes, like deep pools of the cosmos. Nebulas and constellations swirled and twirled in his pupils as they scanned him systematically like the detective he was. Longing for there to be something more than their elaborate Cat and Mouse game.

Oh and how he longed for it. Ever since he was just a mook for the gang, ever since Ace Chemicals, he longed and yearned for the Ying to his Yang, his perfect opposite and his perfect duplicate. His Batman, only his. And so very close now, toe to toe. Their breaths getting mixed and mingled and intertwined, just like them. 

Bruce's POV 

Oh God he's swaggering, nothing good ever happens when he swaggers it's like an omen of badness. Badness afoot. All systems indicate badness approaching with maximum speed and prejudice. 

It's like we've always been heading here, every choice we've ever made leading us by the hand to... To being so very close to crossing the line. The line that ever so flamboyantly separates Love from symbiosis. Needing eachother from Needing eachother. The line that I find excruciating hard to keep drawn.

It keeps moving, you see, at first I would've never dreamt of talking to him in any other way than threats, then it was occasional brushes of shoulders and nods and tiny smirks when yet another gag was played (only the ones with no casualties, though). Then it got as bad as identities and dinner and dancing and standing here, finally looking at him. His tired eyes that glow faintly when I'm around, the increasing yet subtle wrinkles we've both gained, his furrowed brow lines and my smile wrinkles. Making us more like each other. His... everything. 

After figurative days of silence I said "I'm going to do something very stupid that I will regret later."

Tearing his eyes off of my lips, LIPS?? He looks at me and replies "oh yeah? In all the years we've done this song and dance, what now do you consider a regrettable event Brucey?" 

"This"

No POV 

Bruce grabbed the his shirt and pulled him up as his neck craned down to smash his lips against the Joker's. Firecrackers went off inside both of their minds as they grabbed each other with reckless abandon. Heads and shoulders and waists and... toes were being fisted and cradles as they snogged like teenagers in Bruce's admittedly dimly lit study. 

Little whimpers and sultry voices were all that were heard for hours afterward, that and generous tutting from Alfred on the other side of the Mansion. Who had known this would happen ever since that incident with the jumper cables. The one we don't talk about. Ever.

**Author's Note:**

> Honk honk setup is canon king


End file.
